July 3rd 2023 marks 30 years of marriage for my wife and I. I love my wife more every day. She is the best part of my life. I’m often asked the secret to a long and happy marriage.
Foundational beliefs matter
I know that we are all told that we need to be open minded to the beliefs of others. That’s true. But when it comes to being with someone 24/7 – 365 the last thing you need is consistent questioning of your foundational beliefs. For christians this is directly expressed in the Bible.
14 Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness? 15 What accord has Christ with Belial?[a] Or what portion does a believer share with an unbeliever?
2 Corinithians 6:14-15 ESV
I’m not saying that it is impossible to make this work, but I am saying that you will experience greater peace if you look within your own ‘tribe’ of believers.
Commitment matters
If you want marriage to last, you have to be 100% committed to making it work. Give no thought of backing out. You need to ‘burn your ships‘. Here are some examples to illuminate what I’m saying.
You can not go back to your parent’s house and stay a few days because you’re fighting. Suck it up and stay with it! Running home to Mom and Dad is no longer an option.
‘Your’ money is now ‘our’ money. Separate bank accounts are separate hearts and minds.
21 For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.
Matthew 6:21 ESV
Why are you keeping some for yourself? Is it because you need it just in case things don’t work out? Do you want to spend it without a discussion? Seems like you are imagining a time when you will not be together. Is that true? If so, you have just increased the probability that you will split.
Do things together
You need to learn to like the things your partner likes. You will want them to like your favorite things as well. Life will be easier and your chances of staying together will be greater if you move first. What does your partner like?
Do they like Hallmark movies? You can choose to make fun of them or you can sit down and watch them together. Look at how much they enjoy them. Ask yourself why. This may help your relationship a bunch.
Where does your partner work? You want to talk about your work and you want them to listen. So, guess what? You need to start first. Ask what happened at work. Then listen. Repeat things back and ask for clarity. Try to remember the names of the people they work with. If possible, visit them in their workplace on occasion and give them a kiss on the cheek. Show that you care!
NO ASSSUMPTIONS!
Just because you said, “I love you” once doesn’t mean you’re done. Make it your practice to say “I love you” in the morning and in the evening. Say it when you feel like it and say it when you don’t. Don’t expect them to reciprocate. That’s not the point! Don’t wait till you ‘feel’ like saying it. Say it first!
Marriage takes two committed people. Unfortunately, if one of the two wants out there isn’t much you can do. But, I believe that if you focus on the above areas you will increase the likelihood of staying together for a lifetime. Good luck!